The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society
by nift
Summary: Here follows the minutes of the twelfth meeting of The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society. AU Season 9, & OC. [NOT part of my AWAKENING series of fics]
1. Welcomes, Apologies & Matters Arising

**Disclaimer: **"Stargate SG-1" and its characters are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Film Corp., Showtime/Viacom and USA Networks, Inc. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and story are the property of the author(s), and may not be republished or archived elsewhere without the author's permission.

**AN: **_This is NOT part of my_ Awakening _series of fics. This is a mental detour set in a very definate alternate universe season 9, after an alternate Avalon/Origin (WIP). It's linked to that S6 set untitled, unfinished fic in my_ Anomolies _fics.  
AU bits - SG-1 comprises of Sam, Mitchell, Teal'c, and Jonas. Jack still runs the SGC. Janet is alive. Daniel is floaty and zen - I've always thought there would have been some great angst for Daniel to attempt to play just within the rules, also I thought ascension as a concept took a massive knock when it became a get-out-of-death-free card. He tries to play within the rules because ascension is that valuable.  
But this isn't going to be angst. It's a fair bit less silly, and more action orientated than originally planned, but I hope it's still going to be fun.  
Oh, and I married off Jonas. And there are chapters... weird. : p_

* * *

**The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society**

_Here follows the minutes of the twelfth meeting of The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society.  
_(Patron: Brigadier General Jack O'Neill)

_Members in attendance:  
_Colonel Jake Harper – Team leader, SG-5  
Jonas Quinn – Civilian Advisor, SG-1  
_Also in attendance:  
_Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter – Team leader, SG-1  
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell – Team member, SG-1

_Welcomes and apologies. (Minutes/previous meeting)_

She knew this was going to happen, as she ran back towards the hill. She knew from the moment General O'Neill helpfully suggested some extra manpower. She just _knew_.

It did not matter that the planet was, to all intents and purposes, as dead as Apothos. Just put those two together and… Good grief, she just wanted a nice easy mission! Was that too much to ask? What were they? Bad Karma magnets?

--ooOoo--

Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter took a deep breath of the clear air as she climbed down the Stargate's steps. This mission was going to be simple, efficient, standard, no problem. Look around, read some glyphs, chat with Cam, go home. She turned as the puddle blipped for two more figures stepping through. This _will_ be easy.

She watched as Colonel Jake Harper checked the sky through dark glasses. "Mr. Quinn, report."

"Given the available information, and our current surroundings, Colonel, I would calculate a less than ten per cent probability of trouble."

Sam swallowed an inward groan, but let the outward eye roll pass in the face of two unrepentant grins. This is, she repeated to herself, going to be a straightforward mission. An absolute piece of cake, to quote the General.

"_I really don't think we need SG-5. From all our readings the planet is deserted within a 50 mile radius."_

"_Carter, right now, after making our new friends, there is no discussion on whether or not you are heading out with another team. Teal'c's off playing bore the Jaffa. Mitchell, love him to bits, still needs that tiny touch more experience at ground level. You're breaking in a new SGC nerd. And Jonas? Little worried he's having the whole distracted thing going on, ya know, I think the pregnancy is affecting his hormones."_

"_Sir, SG-12 can be prepped and ready to go-"_

"_Come on, Carter! You are going to be 100 percent in charge of this one, just keep 'em apart. And anyway, you're the mathematician isn't it statistically likely that this is going to be a straight forward run?"_

Yes, statistically likely as long as the statistic was not 99 percent against.

She waited as the Stargate disgorged the last traveller, then passed her eye over the men assembled in front of her. Dr. Milton (looking like he had a touch of wormhole-sickness), Jonas Quinn, Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell, and the four man team of SG-5, headed by the delightful Jake Harper. Well, so far so good.

"Colonel, have your team secure the gate area. We'll check the area beyond the hill first before doubling back towards the ruins. We'll maintain radio contact on the hour."

"Uh, Sam," said Jonas, "the ruins are fairly extensive. I don't think the light's going to hold, and Dr. Milton and I should really check them out."

"The area beyond the hill may well be important."

"If we split up, we would cover the mission objectives faster."

"That sounds like a bad horror movie waiting to happen," comments Cam.

Jonas gave Cam the look her excellent military training had managed to nip in the bud.

"I doubt there will an axe maniac hidden behind a wall, and I do know how to use this." This being the P90 that Sam had mentally earmarked as soon as the words SG-5 were uttered. "Anyway, couldn't one of SG-5 join us?"

"And miss out on baby-sitting 64,000 pounds of Stargate? Sure, I think we can spare a man."

Oh boy.

Sam turned her attention back to Jake Harper. Jonas was right, now all she had to do was use her genius to avoid openly saying in front of everyone that she _definitely_ did not want the senior officer to back those two up. _Definitely_ did not want to move that statistic up to 99.99 percent... recurring.

Was that a smirk?

Looked like that chat with Cam was going to have to wait some more.

"Williams," said Col. Harper, nodding to his second in command, "go play with Colonel Carter's team."

Thank the… oh, that is so absolutely a smirk. Not aimed at her though. Sam glanced over to Jonas to catch his face pulling itself into a neutral expression as he casually rearranged the straps on his back-pack. She was going to throw one of them through the gate in a minute. A few million miles should be far enough apart.

"Williams, you're with Jonas and Dr. Milton. Radio in every half an hour."

She received a "yes, ma'am" from Williams, and a sharp salute from Jonas. Dr. Milton still looked a bit green around the gills. She watched them as they walked toward their goal before turning back to Sg-5's team leader. She noted he had already sent the rest of his team to secure the surrounding area.

"Colonel," she said.

"Yes, Colonel?"

"As before."

"Understood, Colonel. This is your mission. I'll stay here and toast marshmallows on this quiet, little, empty planet while you two baby birds take flight."

If Cam wasn't near she would have hit him by now.

_Don't, _said her look to him.

_Don't what?_

_Jake, just don't!_

She couldn't help matching his grin.

Cam bounced up next to her as she strode towards the hill. "Are we expecting trouble?"

"Pfft, always." She glanced at him, "actually, you've never been on a mission where we've teamed up with SG-5 before have you?"

"Not yet." He paused. "Why?"

She smiled at him. "Cameron, I have some good news, and some bad news."

* * *

_Matters arising_

She nearly skidded back down the far side of the hill as she reached for her radio. She hoped Cam wasn't going to hit that same dip, because, right now, she really didn't need Alice to bust his ankle.

"Jonas, what's your status?"

It seemed to take an age, as she crested the hill, for a reply to come.

"We're shooting, and running." She could hear the shots over the radio. "Mostly running."

That was getting very close to full blown sarcasm.

"Jonas, _where _are you?"

"Trees, outside the ruins. Dr Milton's been hit." In the background she hears Williams shout; 'Jonas, I've got Milton covered. We're moving.' "Back to the gate in 10... hopefully."

Sam righted herself as she sped down the hill side. In her peripheral vision she saw Cam almost nimbly doing the same, _almost_.

"Colonel Harper?"

"We've got the gate dialled and covered. Move forward to provide back up at tree line?"

"Do it, we'll be back at the gate in less than 10."

"I thought this planet was meant to be dead," said Cam.

"You have so much to learn," she sighed.

They reached the bottom of the hill and increased in speed towards the Stargate. She had been pretty excited when Jonas had mentioned finding the laboratory over the radio, and it was probably a good thing she and Cam had decided head back at that point, but, honestly, couldn't they have just found a lab and not woken up the sleeping army of…

"Jonas, any idea who we're dealing with?"

"If we find a ring platform I'll pop up and ask."

Right, no more fishing trips for him.

As they neared the gate she saw a yellow and orange flash in the distant trees, followed by gunfire from two figures hidden just outside the woods.

Three men burst out of the tree line. One appeared to be injured but mobile, being almost pushed along by the man behind. The other aimed back into the trees, covering it with short bursts from his P90.

Just then the first glider appeared above the trees. And for a long moment, even though Sam knew it could not have been more than a second, all five men at the trees looked up.

When the second howled past they all, sensibly, started running.


	2. Agenda item 1: Relocation

_Agenda items:  
__Relocation of society's base of operations. _

"Cam, IDC."

Sam sent a stream of bullets up at the passing glider, her action matched by the remaining member of SG-5. She watched it circle back as the second glider flew past kicking up dust with its blasts.

She turned back in concert with the first glider hoping to knock out something, anything, before it could target the men running at the gate.

It weaved alarmingly to the left, a puff of smoke trailing behind a wing, and she gave herself a small mental cheer.

"Sam, we're clear to go."

Closing in on her position, she could see two of SG-5 practically carrying Dr. Milton to the gate in an effort to get there faster, but Jonas and Jake were still a fair distance behind aiming for the enemies in the trees.

"Come on, come on," she muttered to herself.

Cam appeared at her side, "so this is an example of bad news."

She allowed herself a wry smile before turning at the sound of the second glider on it's return flight. They both aimed up at the dark metal, loosing off a volley of shots. Beside Sam, Dr. Milton, Kaufman, and Williams arrived bringing up their own cloud of dust as they avoided the return fire.

"Williams, Cam, get everyone through the gate… Now!" she added, before Cameron could suggest staying. Her eyes were fixed on the two still running figures as the second glider bore down on them, until her sight was obscured by the raised dust.

Behind her she could hear the blips of the wormhole being disturbed. Two, then another, then it would be Williams, then it should be Cam.

"Sam? Shouldn't we help them?"

She was waiting for the dust to clear. Enough to see.

To see Jake helping Jonas off the ground where they had thrown themselves as the glider had blasted past.

Her radio crackled into life. "We're okay. We're coming, get through the gate."

She nodded to Cam, and as she ran to the steps he disappeared into the puddle. At the gate she stopped, watching her friends running towards her. Now less than a hundred metres away. Then she was distracted by a dark object in the sky leaving a small trail of dark smoke baring down on their position.

"Colonel, faster," she shouted, lifting her weapon to her shoulder.

"We know, just go! Go!"

She stepped backwards through the Stargate.

The klaxons in the gate room welcomed her, along with her misjudgement of the slope of the ramp. Her luck found her falling away from the gate as a pair of burning blasts flew through the gate, leaving large scorch marks on the back wall.

"Sam," asked Cameron, reaching for her, "are you okay?"

A familiar sound grabbed her attention before she could answer him. She looked back at the gate.

"What happened to the Stargate?"

Walter's voice spoke over the speakers, "The wormhole just disconnected. Something knocked out the link."

"This is a better example, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Sam, "_this_ is bad news."

--ooOoo--

Sam was going to kill them.

Jake opened his eyes slowly. His mental rundown of possible injuries had come up empty, and now it was probably a good idea to work out what was going on.

It was amazing, he thought, how one small, Kelownan phrase could really sum up his day.

"Language, Jonas. Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap."

Jonas sat up on the left side of his field of vision. A rare, choice, slang term followed.

He turned his head toward his friend. "Hey man, are you okay?"

"Yeah," said Jonas, testing his back, "just landed badly. You?"

"Comfortable. Where are we?"

"Not on P2L-508, Earth, or in the gate buffer."

Jake considered the blue sky above, and the soft grass below. Unless the SGC had moved the gate to a field outside Colorado Springs Jonas was right, they probably weren't where they were meant to be.

"Are you sure we're not in the buffer? I have to admit, I kind of imagined the white room from The Matrix."

Jonas ignored Jake, and stood up gingerly. He checked the surrounding area, then walked out of Jake's eye line. Jake lay on the grass for a moment. He should get up and provide some semblance of cover, but a) it was Jonas, and Jonas would spot anything before he did, and b) they hadn't been shot at yet, which was a very good sign.

A familiar quiet clunk reached his ears, repeated itself a few times, and was followed by another choice phrase. Jake rolled himself over, and stood up. Jonas needed to be de-stressed.

"You know, I'm surprised we have diplomatic relations with anyone if you walk around using that type of language."

"Given there are thousands of gated planets, and only you, me, Sam, Teal'c, and Beth understand what I'm saying it's not that much of a surprise."

"I can see why you never get invited to the Langaran negotiations."

"Pfft, yeah, I find that devastating."

At least he got a smile. Jake leaned against the DHD as Jonas opened the main panel. He nudged the back-pack lying on the grass with his foot.

"So, what's in the bag?"

"Notebooks, some tech interface cables, med kit, two days worth of rations, water purifying tablets."

"No spare mags? Wasn't Sam expecting trouble?"

A P90 magazine of bullets is waved under his nose, he pushed it away. "I think you should keep that."

"I've got another two."

"_Why_ are you carrying three spare mags?"

Jonas shrugged. "Sam covering every eventuality."

"Right," Jake took the bullets and reloaded his P90, placing the near empty magazine in the pocket with his spare. "Anything else?"

"There's a couple of 9mm clips in the side of the back-pack."

Jake looked down at Jonas' hip. "You're armed with a zat."

"You and Sam aren't."

Jake leaned across and flicked the knife attached to the front of Jonas' vest. "She make you take this as well?" The grin answered the question. "She's not very trusting is she?"

"She understands that sometimes you can't change fate."

"Fate. Is that what we're calling it now." He watched Jonas replace the panel, "so are we good to go?"

"No."

"No?"

"If the DHD was broken, but we had power we could manually dial the gate. Unfortunately, the DHD works, but the power source is dead."

"Oh. Did we bring any power sources?"

"Have you got your flashlight?"

"Yeah."

"Then we've got six volts."

Jake considered the Stargate. "That's not enough is it?"

"In a word?"

"I see Sam didn't cover every eventuality. How much power do we need?"

"When SG-1 were stuck on PB2-908 they used a lightning strike to power the gate."

They both stared up at the clear blue sky. Somewhere in the distance Jake could hear a bird (or something close to one) call, and were those crickets?

"Daniel?"

Jake looked at Jonas, and received his friend's very best 'what?' smile.

"Worth a try," explained Jonas.


	3. Agenda item 2: Discoveries

_Agenda items:  
__Further to recent discoveries. _

Jake pushed against the fallen stone column with his foot. It didn't move. He looked around at its equally flattened mate. If he was a goa'uld he would probably be pretty annoyed at how untidy it had become around the gate. In fact, he would probably storm down to where that rectangle of silk was fluttering in the distance and give them all a piece of his mind.

Uh oh.

He glanced around quickly at Jonas, and felt a sense of relief on seeing Jonas still sitting on the ground by the DHD writing in his notebook. Good, he thought sitting down on the column, we'll just sit here and wait for rescue.

"So how long do you think this is going to take?"

Jonas shrugged, "If I were Sam I'd have to check we weren't stuck in the gate buffer first. Maybe get the Prometheus sent to P2L-508 to make sure we aren't stuck on that end. Then she'll work out which planets the wormhole most likely connected to and start dialling.

"How long will probably be down to how helpful Shaft is being." Jonas grinned, "she'll probably put him on the Prometheus."

"Didn't he ban you from calling him that."

"Yep. I'm not sure what the problem is, it's not as if he knows what it means in Kelownan. Anyway, I can take him."

"Disturbingly, for a civilian, you probably could."

"Teal'c's a civilian."

"Good point."

Jake stretched out his legs. He planned to be comfortable if they were going to be here for a while. He frowned slightly at the sight of Jonas removing the page he had been writing on before storing the notebook away in his bag.

"Have you worked out where we are?"

"Doesn't seem to be a planet a SG team has been to before, but I can't be sure."

"I thought you read all the mission reports."

"Only the interesting ones."

"So none of mine then," Jake finished.

"_You write reports?_ And I thought military and intelligence was an oxymoron."

"Ha ha. I hope you never say that in front of Sam."

"Trust me, I haven't got a death wish."

Jonas stood up and brushed the loose grass from his BDUs. Jake's frown deepened as he watched Jonas remove something from his vest, and tie the paper around it.

"What are you doing?"

Jonas looked over to him. No correct that. Jonas looked at a point past him.

Oh, crap.

"_No_," stated Jake, "_we_ are staying put."

"Come on, it'll be fun."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because the SGC might dial in at any moment, and the radios don't reach that far."

"I thought of that. That's what this is for." Jonas waved the paper wrapped object at him. At regular intervals the beacon flashed. "I'll leave this here, they pick up the signal, and the note tells them where we've gone."

"No."

Jonas placed the locator beacon in the grass by the DHD. "Why?"

"Because I said so."

"And I should do what you say because…?"

"Because," Jake thumped his chest, "me military, you civilian."

"Ah," said Jonas, picking up his back-pack, "the flaw in that is; I'm a civilian, you can't order me to do anything."

"Jonas," warned Jake.

A Cheshire cat grin moved towards him.

"Come on. Think of it logically. There are a hundred and fifty-four gated planets between 508 and Earth. It could take days to properly check all the addresses."

"One hundred and fifty-four?"

"One hundred and fifty-four. That's assuming that the wormhole jumped to a planet either near the start and end connections, or a planet between those two points. Frankly, we could be anywhere. And there are thousands of gate addresses."

"That's all the more-"

"We'll definitely need water, and food as well."

Jonas walked straight past him. "Okay, but-" said Jake turning on the spot. "_Jonas._"

"And they might have a way of powering the gate," continued Jonas, ignoring him. "We could be back at the SGC in no time. You'll probably be able to tuck Emily in."

Jake stood up. "Jonas!"

"What?" Jonas turned, but continued walking backwards. "Come on, Jake."

"I'm not going anywhere, so get back here."

"You don't have to come. I'll be back in a few hours."

"You'll be out of radio contact, and you have no locator."

"I will won't I?" replied Jonas, thoughtfully. "Well, in that case," he sends a salute to Jake, "smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

"Get back here now!"

"Come on, Jake, you know you want to. Aw, come on. I promise it'll be fun."

Jake saw the slowly receding figure grinning back at him as he climbed over the stone column.

"You know, not so long ago you used to do as you were told."

Jonas punched him gently on the shoulder. "I knew you would come."

"Did you? What makes you think I'm not here to drag you back to the gate?"

"Numerical prerogative."

"_What?_"

"Me SG-1 - explorer, you SG-5 - back up."

"Numerical prerogative?"

"Yup."

Jake sighed. "We do this, and from now on I'm in charge, okay?"

"Yes, Colonel."

"Jeez," said Jake, giving a longing glance back at the gate, "Sam is going to kill us."

"Nah, she loves me," smirked Jonas, "she'll definitely kill you, though."


	4. Agenda item 3: New Members

_Agenda items:  
__Votes on new society members._

Jake held his hands a good half metre apart. "Seriously, it was huge!"

"A slug?" Jonas shook the water canteen, and glanced across the slow moving river dubiously.

"In the water, on P6D-227. A water slug… thing. If it had teeth it would have taken a man's arm off."

"So it had no teeth? What? It could have _gummed_ you to death?" Jonas took a sip of water. Waiting for any adverse effects.

"Hey, man, I'm not even definite it had a mouth. Looked like it had suckers. It was probably a giant, alien leech." Jake took the proffered canteen. "Imagine. Forget taking your arm off, it would probably have sucked you dry in five seconds flat." He subconsciously checked the contents of the metal flask. "And it was the second ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life."

"Second ugliest?" Jonas asked, more out of habit than an interest in the answer.

"Have you seen Frank's neighbour's cat? Now _that_ is fugly."

"I'm sorry, what was the point of this story?"

"It was about not putting your hand so deep into the water."

"Oh," said Jonas, looking down at his arm.

"Yes. You see everything, but hear nothing." Jake paused, "hmm, that almost sounds like something from Lizzie's yoga class."

He watched as Jonas dropped a water purifying tablet in the second flask. Admittedly, the water did look very clear. Gently reflecting the trees on this edge, and the rocky cliff on the far side. But the same could be said for the river on P9H-521, and those things really did have teeth.

"Just remember; Hand. Useful. Not for some alien slug's lunch."

"Got it."

"Oh, speaking of Frank and lunch. He told me to make sure you remember the barbeque this weekend."

Jaffa eyebrow.

Jake shrugged, "Hey, that's what I said."

"Mmm. E. Coli and the pregnant woman, what a perfect combination."

"S'okay Lizzie's thought of that. She's told Frank she's commandeering the oven."

"What's she bringing?"

"Chicken casserole."

"Sweet."

"You are _so_ easily pleased."

Jonas swung his back-pack back over his shoulder, "I'm only thinking of Beth. I suspect I'll almost certainly be moving down the favoured son-in-law list if she gets ill."

"A very short list, that one."

Jonas pulls a puzzled expression. "Yes, I'm finding it very hard to move up."

"I thought you were getting along great with the folks." Jake said, as they started to walk their way down river.

"I was!" Jonas stopped. "Until someone told them I was an alien from another planet, and I save the galaxy as a day job!"

Jake grinned, unhelpfully. "Come on, they didn't believe me."

"No, they didn't. But they _do_ think I married their beautiful daughter, Bethany, for a green card."

"That's kind of true. Hey, don't walk off." He strode to catch up. "At least no one told them you only married her, because you had your wicked way and got her pregnant."

"That's not-" Jonas stopped in the face of a slightly evil smirk. "Remind me, _why_ did I invite you to the wedding."

"Best man."

"And I absolutely _had_ to invite you?"

He shrugged, "it's what it says in the books."

"I should have asked Teal'c," muttered Jonas, walking away, "or Sam, or Jack, or… _Daniel_."

Jake waited a moment, trying to clear the grin from his face. Otherwise the next punch to the shoulder was going to hurt. His eyes scanned the trees as he trotted after Jonas.

"Hey, I'm sorry. Who knew they have no sense of humour… You're not going to sulk are you, because you are the universe's worse sulker. Far too smiley."

"I don't need a green card anyway."

"The NID finally sort you out with a birth certificate?"

"And a social security number."

"Bad luck, man. Now you have to pay tax." They walked in silence for a few seconds. "So, what did they put?"

"I was born in a small town just outside Los Angeles, but spent most of my formative years in the city."

"Giveaway. People only use 'formative' in obituaries."

"And," a ghost of a smile on Jonas' lips, "my birth date is April 3rd, 1974."

"'74? _'74_? I thought they'd go for '71. At least get it down to single figures."

"What's a year, or twelve, between friends."

"Oh, yeah. Yuck it up. Just wait 'til your fortieth."

"Don't plan anything big, I'm sure everyone will still be recovering from your party two years earlier. For your… now, what will it be again? Oh yes. Fiftieth."

"Shut up."

Jake finds himself being patted on the shoulder. A large grin on his friend's features.

"Face it, Jake. You're old."

"We're being followed," replied Jake, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I know."

"_You know?_"

"Sure. They've been following us since we stepped into the trees."

"They've been…" Jake shook his head. "And you didn't think this was important enough to mention?"

Jonas shrugged. "They didn't look dangerous."

"You know, the thing about me agreeing to this little day trip was that I am in charge. _I_ decide whether they look dangerous when _you_ keep me informed. You inform me about anything important. Like, us being followed."

He found his shoulders being grasped tightly. Jonas' earnest expression faced him.

"Colonel, I'm sorry to inform you, we're being followed."

"Two points, Jonas," said Jake, holding up a pair of fingers. "One – you're not funny. Two – how on Earth did you manage two years under Jack's command without him killing you. In fact, how on Earth did you manage not to be shot by Sam?"

"We were rarely on Earth."

"Still not funny."

"Sam thinks I'm funny."

"Yeah, but then Sam's jokes are in binary."

"Hah, you'd never say that to her face."

"I have, and I have the scars to prove it." Their grins dissipated what little tension there was.

"So," said Jake, "are you going to do your peaceful explorer routine?"

"I think I'll save it until we get to the settlement. We aren't that far now. Unless we get pushed into a… uh… a communication situation."

"By that you mean; If they attack us."

"Yep, that's the one."

--ooOoo--

"I don't want any jello."

"Sure you don't," replied Cameron, placing the glass in front of her.

She stared him for a moment before pushing away her half-eaten lunch, and reaching for the glass.

"No luck then?" He asked.

"We'd have more luck if we didn't have to keep stopping," Sam said, poking the jello in annoyance.

"It can't be helped if SGC operations are to run as normal."

"I know. It's just frustrating not knowing what's going on."

"They're experienced professionals. They'll be fine."

"Yeah, but fine for those two is a relative state."

--ooOoo--

"It'll be fine."

"I don't know, Jonas." They stood in the trees not far from the edge of the village. There were no signs of life. Jake pulled the binoculars away from his eyes. "He's not exactly your average ground pounder like everyone else in charge of a SG team."

"Cam will be fine. He's a good man. He didn't make Lieutenant Colonel by being an idiot."

"Still, seems a bit odd." He handed the binoculars to Jonas, "a bit like this village."

"What is odd about an apparently empty village, in the middle of no where, on a random planet, which we reached by means of a circular, stone, wormhole-inducing portal?"

"For a start, I was expecting a welcoming committee since they followed us all the way here."

"Maybe they're further in. The flag pole looks like it's attached to a building in the centre of the village."

"Well, call me Mr. Paranoid, but I don't like it."

"You're in charge, Mr. Paranoid, but we did just walk all the way here. They are probably perfectly nice people."

"Or they might be psychotic cannibals."

Jonas smiled. "Ah, but we'll never know if we don't talk to them."

"This is such a stupidly SG-1 thing to do," Jake sighed, as he stepped away from the trees. "And don't even think about uttering the word 'fun'."

--ooOoo--

The quietness was disturbing. Jake rested his finger lightly on the trigger, fighting the itch to pull the weapon up to his shoulder. He wished they were doing this the SG-5 way. Weapons ready, carefully clearing the way. But no. This was "exploring", and unfortunately it felt a little too much like a nonchalant stroll into enemy territory for his liking.

"Jonas?"

"I know," replied a voice slightly behind him, "I'll let you know as soon as I see anything."

"Sure, you will" he muttered to himself.

"I heard that."

Jake stopped as the path ended in an open space. Huh, he thought, Jonas was right. For the eleven thousandth time. Although, he had expected more than two oldish men standing waiting for them in front of a clay and straw hut.

He nudged the grinning man beside him. "I guess you're up."

"Right." Jonas stepped forward. "Hi, we're travellers from-"

Which was all Jake heard Jonas manage to say when a shot whizzed past his face between them.


	5. Agenda item 4: Image Promotion

_Agenda items:  
__Ideas for promoting a positive image of the society._

Lead shot. A small ball of metal. How he could tell when it went past at that speed he couldn't say. He did know that it probably came out of 17th century style weapon, because when it came to weapons, to quote his teenage son's new favoured colloquialism, he was a bit sad. And because it missed. Oh god, Jake hoped it wasn't a miss on purpose. He swung his weapon to his right, and spotted the top of a gun being reloaded from the roof of a hut on the far side of the square. With no body to aim at he swung the P90 back towards the two older men.

Jonas stepped in front of his weapon. Hands out placatingly. "Wait, wait!"

"Jonas, get back behind me, and get your weapon up."

"No, it's probably just a misunderstanding." He watched Jonas send a smile back to the two men. "We've probably just said something we shouldn't."

"Yes, I remember. 'Hi' is the universal term for 'shoot me!'" He tried to check out the other houses without changing his aim. It would be so much easier if Jonas wasn't still in explorer mode.

"Just let me try to talk to them again."

"Jonas, we're leaving." he stated.

"Just wait. Wait one second," offered Jonas, turning back to the two men. "My name is Jonas Quinn, we are not here to cause you trouble. We are peaceful travellers from a distant world."

The two men stared at Jonas impassively. Jake noticed the younger man glance to the side. He tried to follow the man's eye line, but from his angle he could not see what was so interesting.

His attention was pulled forward again by a low hiss of; "This works better if you put your weapon down."

"Jonas," he warned.

"We'll make more friends if you don't shoot everyone we meet."

"I'd make more friends if I shot you before we left the gate room."

"Jake!"

He paused. Jonas was SG-1, and they did this all the time. He took a deep breath and slowly started to lower his weapon. One of the men, the older of the two, returned Jonas' smile.

He had to admit, even though Jonas had spent over three years with SG-1, he hadn't lost all sense of self preservation. The speed at which Jonas raised the P90 when the second shot came… well, civilian advisor? His saggy ass.

"_Are we done?_"

"Uh-huh," replied Jonas not taking his eye off the building on the left.

"Then get behind me and take point. We're leaving."

Jake's aim remained on the two men in front as Jonas started to move behind him. He hoped the rule of shoot the leader, scatter the troops still applied well enough for them to not risk trying any more games. Still, he tried to convince himself that Jonas being shot at twice was just part of that SG-1 thing.

"Uh, Jake?" He didn't have to turn his head to know what that meant. So now it was his chance to do the talking.

"We are leaving," Jake said, raising his voice. "We mean you no harm, but we will return fire if you do not grant us safe passage."

"Eight against two," muttered Jonas, "I don't think they're buying it."

"Eight?"

"That I've seen aiming at us."

"Great," he hissed, "time for a quick demonstration." Jake pulled his P90 to aim above the heads of the village leaders, and let loose a burst of three shots into the wooden flagpole. Splinters of wood flew in to the air, but for a moment Jake honestly thought the pole would remain upright.

That would be embarrassing.

Then it completed its inevitable journey down. Landing close enough to make the two villagers jump. Returning his aim to its original position Jake raised his voice again, "as you can see the power and range of the weapon I hold in my hands is far greater than your own. In the time it takes you to reload your weapon I can shoot a further forty-seven times. It should also be noted that my friend has a another fifty bullets in his weapon, and he has better hand/eye co-ordination than I have." He paused to allow the information to sink in. "We are leaving. It would _not_ be wise to attempt to stop us."

He watched the men consider the shattered post as he took a slow step back. There was a barely perceptible nod from one of the men to someone behind him. He waited for the bullet.

Nothing. He eased himself another step back bringing himself level with Jonas. "We're going to move slowly out of here," he said to Jonas. "Usual deal. Keep together, no running. We don't want them thinking they've got the upper hand." He could see Jonas lips twitch. Whatever comment Jonas was about to add he obviously thought better of. Instead he received a slow nod. "Okay, let's go."

--ooOoo--

They managed a fairly decent pace even though he had to walk backwards to keep the leaders in focus. He was particularly glad they weren't dealing with jaffa. Or any other alien society with terrible aim and a death wish. In fact, for one of the few times in his Stargate career, he appeared to have met a people smart enough to associate the splinters of wood with the likely future sight of splinters of the red sticky stuff. Which was nice. Because shooting people didn't rate highly on his favourite things to do list.

He glanced to the sides, still seeing weapons trained on the two of them as they walked along. Jake wondered how many more well armed natives they were likely to pass. Now a third of the way out they had already hit Jonas' eight spotted mark two houses ago, and Jonas hadn't yet claimed all clear to his eyes. He vaguely wondered whether the rooftop dwellers were running around the back of the buildings and popping up again further along. Like his old high school, year group photograph.

"How are we looking?"

"Some of them are running around the sides and getting ahead of us."

"Huh." He knew it. "So only eight?" he asked hopefully. The path had begun to curve and soon he would lose sight of the two men.

"You wish. There are some hiding between the buildings. I can't make out if they're all armed. Also, I think we might be about to have problems."

"Like an itchy trigger finger?"

"Oh yeah. Especially the guy on the roof coming up on my left. He looked like he wanted to shoot us the first time."

Jake shifted his aim off centre so he could be ready to watch the man coming up on his right. Great, he thought as the edge of a building slowly obscured his view. He had to decide whether they should continue this too slow movement through the village, or risk triggering the seemingly inevitable shooting party early by picking up the pace. A lot. In front he watched a man shift in his position on the roof. Probably a precursor to getting down and playing Jack-in-the-box somewhere else. Or to get a better view to the village square when he glanced to his left.

Or for the audience in the square to get a good view of his nod.

"Jonas…"

Not finishing his sentence Jake swung his P90 towards the man as the villager prepared to shoot. Letting a volley of bullets hit the roof in question he hoped that it would be enough to dissuade the man.

It was annoying, he thought, that no one ever seemed to believe how much alien weaponry could hurt until he shot them with it.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Caught my pack. I'm fine."

"Good. We've got to go."

They moved fast. Not quite at a full run, but fast enough to make good progress yet still be, well, proactive in defence if needed. Mostly aiming behind, Jake heard three shots hit wood and clay. Warning shots. Strangely, they seemed to be better dissuaded when Jonas did the shooting than when he did. Obviously they had decided Jonas was cute and deadly. Like a kitten with a naquada enhanced, rocket launcher. He choked back a laugh as he moved his weapon and watched someone duck behind a building for protection. Fantastic.

A click and snap caught his attention, and not just his. He tried not to groan. Things he forgot to check, number one. A click and snap sounding suspiciously like someone changing magazines on their P90.

"Why does that sound suspiciously like you changing mags?"

"A P90 is a weapon of war. I wasn't expecting us to start one."

"_You what?_" He turned to see Jonas locking a fresh mag in to place.

"Really, not right now."

"Duck."

Jonas twisted his body away allowing Jake to aim for a new friend on a roof. The sound of a rifle sliding off the house followed a howl of pain as the shooter grabbed at his arm.

"You could have mentioned it, and you could have used your zat." Out of the corner of his eye he could see the man hiding behind the building ready to shoot. He was facing the wrong way.

A bang sent the man back into the shadows with a pained yelp. Sometimes he did love Fluffy the Wonder Kitten.

"Can we prioritise this conversation for another time?" asked Jonas, "and can we just run?"

"Okay."

--ooOoo--

Sam hit the keys on the keyboard a little harder than entirely necessary. They had picked up a scrambled signal from this address, but no reply to the radio messages. It had taken too long, in her not too inexperienced opinion, to get a team ready to check it out. And not only that she had to stay put in the control room while her friends were lost. Yes, okay, logically if there was a problem with the gate that Jonas couldn't fix - from all that he'd learned from her - then she'd be more useful this side with all SGC's facilities available to her.

Still.

The inner ring of the stargate made its agonisingly slow turns. What she needed was those two to come running through the gate chased by gun fire just before the last chevron locked.

Wormhole X-treme style.

She leaned into the microphone as the wormhole formed. Real-life could be so unaccommodating. "Colonel Mitchell, you're good to go."

She watched the men disappear into the event horizon and hoped she wasn't about to misplace more members of SG-1 and 5.

--ooOoo--

Jake concentrated on getting his breathing under control as they waited deep in the copse. Their "run and gun" escape through the forest coming to an abrupt halt when he had spotted the brush covered dip and hauled Jonas in first. It appeared, from the running feet overhead, that their sudden disappearing act hadn't been observed. Several minutes passed before the natural (almost) silence of the forest reinstated itself.

Jake closed his eyes, listening hard for any suspicious noises. His mind whirred as he tried to formulate a plan of action. They had limited firepower, limited food, possibly limited access to water, and no way to dial Earth. They had to get back to the stargate and wait for the SGC to dial in, but it was likely there would be more than a few people there waiting. He opened his eyes and looked to his left. Also, he appeared to be the only sane person on this team.

"Remind me when we get back to get Janet to check you for long term brain damage."

Jonas' grin barely moves.

"Tell me you aren't enjoying this," he groaned.

"Sorta."

"Check for s_erious_, long term, brain damage."

"I'm fine. We're fine. As they say; always look on the bright side of life." Jake's brow shot skywards finally eliciting a change of expression from Jonas. "Will you hurry up and have a mid-life crisis so you can go back to being less boring."

"I remember someone once saying they didn't want to be 'funned to death.'"

"I'd just had my DNA scrambled. I wasn't sure bits of me wouldn't drop off in all the excitement. What's your excuse?"

"Sam."

"Is going to kill you two."

Jake stared at figure standing beside Jonas.

"Hello, Dr. Jackson. You're late."


	6. Additional Agenda Item

_Additional agenda item._

_Minutes to record the arrival of:_  
Dr. Daniel Jackson – Ascended Liaison, SGC (deceased)

--ooOoo--

"I find that's part of the nature of my current state. I am, after all, the-"

"Don't," Jake cut in, "just don't. It's not funny."

A slightly sour face is pulled. "How do you know it wasn't going to be funny?"

"Because I can see _him_ thinking it." At least Jonas didn't even try to look innocent. "And please; get down."

"I can only be seen by you and Jonas."

"Are you sure? Dr. Jackson, I'm having a bad day as it is."

Daniel sat cross-legged beside Jonas.

"So, are you here to help us out or… Well, if anyone is going to die can it be me?"

"I don't need protecting," said Jonas.

"No, I'll need protecting if I go back with you less than fully fit. Can you please tell your wife she doesn't need to pick a European tyrant in order to become a doctor?"

"She's not that… Okay, fine, I'll tell her."

"I recommend you don't do it when she's holding a large needle."

"I'm not a complete idiot."

Daniel coughed. Jake was very tempted to ignore him. It always amused him to watch Daniel Jackson getting tetchy. Insisting on calling him Dr. Jackson - on and off the job - after seven plus years usually did the trick. Especially since he doubted the doctorate was still valid in the afterlife.

"No-one is going to die... that I know of," Daniel added.

"Great! Didn't you say we needed a lightning strike?" Jonas nodded. "So, we nip back to the gate, and you play at being our favourite asgard fake god. Then we go home."

"Colonel Harper," sighed Daniel. He loved the fact that if he didn't call Daniel Daniel the man couldn't get past the first name mental block. He might finally give the whole Dr. Jackson thing up if the man ever cracked it. "As you well know there are rules to ascension that I have to abide by."

"Rules are there to be broken." He paused, and turned to Jonas. "But not my rules, and not by you."

_You wish_, was Jonas' unspoken reply. "Daniel, is there a reason for this visit?"

"Keeping an eye on friends. When they're in trouble I like to come and bring words of comfort."

"Pfft. Well, that makes you the second most useless ancient-related person I know."

"Who's the first?" asked Jonas automatically.

"_I'm sitting next to him._"

Jonas shook his head. "Why did I even ask you that? I have to stop listening to you."

"I could've sworn you were doing that already."

"Guys! Can we concentrate on more important issues. You are stuck on a planet with, currently, no way of getting home."

"Hey, no sh-sugar Sherlock."

"So, I…" Daniel paused. "Sugar?"

"He's cutting back on the swearing," replied Jonas. "It's part of the getting old, and boring."

"I am not-"

"_So,_" repeated Daniel, "I think it would be good in this situation to come and bring comfort through a short story."

"What?" asked Jake.

"Oh," said Jonas.

"_What?_" asked Jake.

"Just ignore him, Daniel."

"Right. Um. Anyway. A rabbit in winter finds himself facing the dark state-"

"Don't rabbits hiber-" Jake starts.

"_Finds himself_," repeated Daniel sharply, "facing the dark state of the barren earth. The darkness coming not only from the solid earth, but the hard fact of a poor harvest."

He opens his mouth again, "I'm sure-"

"_No_. No they don't. Rabbits _do not_ hibernate. _Everyone_ should know this."

"City boy," he offered by way of explanation, "and he's an alien."

"I'm not bothered by the hibernating thing," added Jonas, "I'm just wondering how he can run a farm with tiny, little paws."

Daniel put his head in his hands. "Jonas," the voice between the fingers muttered, "don't encourage him. Look. Rabbits don't hibernate, and we are talking about a general harvest. By humans. Poor rabbit, low harvest, no spare food. Got it?"

Jonas nodded on both their behalf's.

"Now, where was I?"

"Maybe you could skip to the end. We are in a bit of a situation here."

"_Colonel_."

"Jeez, never mind. At least cut back on the flowery talk. Think precise, think military."

"If you'll let me finish. Okay. A rabbit in winter finds himself, after a poor harvest, in a bad situation. Not only are his food stores nearly non-existent - with the hard earth not giving any chance of future sustenance - but he is not the only one with food problems. Many others see rabbit as a perfect way to tide them over this cold, hard winter.

"One day the rabbit is out foraging for what little food there is when he comes across a hungry fox. For a long moment they stare at each other. Each thinking only of their immediate future. The fox makes his move. The rabbit runs, but each step takes him further away from the safety of his warren."

Jake, less than subtlely, checked his watch.

"Anyway… the rabbit soon starts to tire. Looking around him he sees the only option open to him is a small cave. But all the animals know the caves are the places of man. Places of the unknown. Not places they want to enter, and, for a rabbit, containing a floor harder to dig through than the coldest winter earth. So, his options are to stay in the open with the fox, hard earth and the small chance of making it home, or step into the cave, safe from the fox, but into the unknown."

"He chooses the cave, by chance?"

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yes, he does. He steps into the unknown away from the fox, and into the deep dark cave. Has he made a mistake? He can smell the faint odour of man in the air, but it isn't recent. Without food it won't be long before he has to make his way back into the waiting jaws of the fox.

"Still he moves deeper into the cave. Until, suddenly his nose picks up something different. A familiar smell which brings joy rather than fear. He moves faster towards the source, and there in front of him is a huge store of carrots. Enough to tide him over until the earth thaws, and in a place safe from hungry foxes.

"You see, if he hadn't taken that first step into the unknown he wouldn't know about the riches that can be found."

Jake and Jonas exchanged a meaningful look.

"I suppose it's a bit like how the Stargate programme started," added Daniel lamely.

"Cruddy ending on that story, Dr. Jackson. Remind me not to invite you around to do Emily's bedtime stories."

"It's not about the story itself, but what it brings to you. A candle can light the way, but its brightness is within."

"What?"

"Daniel is saying that, although we're stuck, we should always keep a look out for the possibility of carrots."

He blinked at Jonas. "This is why I wanted to stick with SG-5. I can understand how we work – turn up and shoot. SG-1 makes no sense."

"When we hear stories they store themselves into our subconscious. When we find ourselves in a position very similar to a story we've heard, we often automatically bring up these stories to energise our situation. It brings comfort and aids decision making."

"So I'm meant to find myself associating bunny-wunny's tale with our situation. I see a cave and my brain subconsciously reaches back to his story, and informs my decisions. Making me think there might be something to see there. Even though hiding in a dead-end cave is the stupidest thing to do when people who know the area are looking for me."

"Strange how the human mind works," mused Jonas.

"And we just so happen to find ourselves dumped on a planet with carrots?"

"Carrots are everywhere," replied Daniel, enigmatically.

"You know, if I were Jack O'Neill I'd be mighty suspicious right now."

--ooOoo--

"This is idiotic." Another hour, and his layman's diagnosis of Jonas' attention deficit disorder, left them lying in the undergrowth by the side of the river. The cliff rose up on the far bank. The light and shadows texturing the dips on the rock face. "How can we possibly check each one of those caves. We need teams of people."

"Jake, no-one at the SGC knows where we are. And we have nothing better to do. Anyway, I like the look of that one."

"Just arbitrarily?"

"Taste allows us to see the meal for what it is, not what it looks like." An exasperated voice answers.

"Good grief," muttered Jake. "And will you please get down?"

"They can't see me."

He glanced upriver. "Well, _they_ are far closer than we need them to be if _we_ don't want to be seen."

Jonas followed his eye line, "looks like we need a distraction."

They looked at each other.

Then at Daniel.

"I'm not allowed to get involved."

"You don't need to get involved Daniel. Just go for stroll. Go increase you enlightenment of trees."

"Jonas…"

"Daniel." Jonas makes a shooing motion with his hands.

"Fine."

It didn't take long for them to hear the excited shouts moving away up river. Jake stared at the water.

"Looks like there is only one way across."

"Swim," suggested Jonas, moving towards the water.

"I'm getting images of giant leeches."

"Swim fast."


	7. Any other business

_Any other business_

Jake felt the water slosh backwards and forwards around his feet. He squashed the desire to remove his boots, in the same way as he squashed the instinctive military desire to avoid the cave, in the same way as he squashed he overwhelming desire to shoot Jonas when he disappeared into the cave ahead of him.

He squelchily followed to light around the second corner of the cave, and found himself facing a grin brighter than any flashlight beam.

"What?" he asked.

Jonas swung his light towards the cave wall highlighting a small section of… well, ancient, if he had to guess.

"Quelle surprise," he muttered.

"It's a variation of ancient. From what I've managed to translate, it's something relating to Myrddin."

"Got something stuck in your throat there."

"Merlin," sighed Jonas.

"Great, I followed a rabbit into a cave of Arthurian mythology, and I didn't bring my Holy Hand Grenade."

Jonas remained stoic.

"Oh, come on!" cried Jake.

"Apparently people don't find it amusing."

"You aren't serious! That's impossible. What sort of universe are we living in if you can't reference Monty Python?"

"_I know_," Jonas replied, his face returning to its usual animation. "I've tried, but no one appreciates it."

"Poor you."

"Can I join SG-5?"

"I'll definitely put in a word with Jack. Jeez," he said, walking up to the wall, "that's cruel and unusual punishment. I can't believe we're dealing with Arthurian mythology, and no one appreciates the classic comedy of it."

"I think you'll find, Colonel, that the Ori are no laughing matter."

Jake caught the very subtle eye roll of; 'See what I mean?'

"Dr. Jackson, glad you could make it. Getting a bit worried about you back there, what with the… oh wait, you can't be harmed can you? Wow, how useful would _that_ be if we had someone like that on our side against the Ori? Ooh, how about can't be harmed, and all powerful?"

Daniel, disappointingly, didn't take the bait.

He gave the wall a pat. "Amazing thing, Dr. Jackson, our 'completely accidental' cave stumbling has found us some possible ancient-related technology." He looked around the empty cave. "Shame it's invisible."

"All you seek in your time is found with the mind, not with-" The back wall starts to shift. "…never mind."

"Jonas, what did you do? And more importantly; _Did I say you could touch anything?_"

"It's a matching riddle to the one we found at Avalon. This time you just had to press the words inside the text in the right order," replied Jonas, ignoring the second question.

"And the touching?"

"Hey, it looks like it might be some kind of machine."

Jonas stepped past him towards the large alcove the wall revealed. A stone plaque covered part of the surface, with the rest of the surface being taken up by protruding metallic device. At the front, eighteen crystals were arranged pointing outwards under the stone top, as if connected to the device. As Jonas got closer the back wall of the alcove lit up to reveal more text.

"What is that?" Jake asked Daniel. "And you, stop right there."

Rather surprisingly, he thought (given the day so far), Jonas stopped.

"Okay," he said, putting himself between Jonas and the pretty coloured piece of technology, "nobody touches anything else without my say so."

Daniel glanced at his hands, "I can't really…"

"Don't be funny," he said sharply, giving Daniel a glare for good measure. "I don't know what special, ascended, all-knowing, different plane of existence game you are playing, but neither of us is touching _anything_ until I get a rundown on what that is."

"Just because I am ascended, doesn't make me all knowing. To be honest, I'm not sure what it does. I knew there was some technology associated with Merlin, and that it 'might' be here."

"In that case, _he_ is not going near it."

"And you read ancient, Colonel?"

"Jake, come on," said Jonas, itching to get past him. "Daniel's right. All due respect, you're not exactly qualified to deal with alien technology."

"No, I'm eminently qualified to deal with it my way." He waved his P90 to emphasise the point. "Now, I've never been part of SG-1, but I've been around more than enough to be plenty sure unnecessarily playing with alien technology is going to cause a whole world of pain for me."

"I promise you, Colonel, you will come to no harm."

"I thought you don't know what it does."

"I don't, but the text on the wall doesn't suggest pain giving properties."

"So what does it say."

"I… can't actually tell you that. The rules…"

"Oh, good grief. Jonas?"

"It's going to take me while. It would be easier if I could get closer," Jonas hinted.

"No."

"There is something else to consider," said Jonas. "This machine obviously has power, and seeing as the power source will be ancient designed, it'll probably be enough to dial the gate to get us home."

It was a good point. "Okay, then let's grab power source, and get out of here."

"I'll bow to your better judgement, but I don't think this is the best time for us to attempt to access the gate."

Which was another good point. "It will better to wait for night fall."

"And, since you guys aren't going to leave anytime soon. Why not have a look at the technology while you wait?" finished Daniel.

Jake eyed them both suspiciously. He could lay down the letter of the law right here, right now, but a little voice in the back of his head offered up a glimpse into the future. Two nerds whining in his ear until the sun went down.

It wasn't a pleasant image.

He glanced back at the alcove. Everything seemed above the board. They had already dealt with the appearance of technology from nowhere, so in theory there shouldn't be any more. In theory…

"I'm warning you, Dr. Jackson. If Jonas gets his head sucked, and turns evil again, I'm going to die and ascend just so I can kick your ass."

"I thought I was cute when I'm evil."

"_Jonas._"

"Fine. I know. Not funny." Jonas slipped past him towards the machine. He sent a wry smile and a slight shrug back to Jake. "You never know, I could get my head grabbed and turn all-powerful again. That would be useful."

"With my luck, it will definitely be evil."

"He could turn evil, _and_ all-powerful," suggested Daniel.

"Oh, cute, and dangerously powerful," said Jonas, brightly, "like a baby dren with naquadria powered rocket launcher."

"_What?_" This was like some insane, nerd, past, present, and future trying to merge together in tiny little space. "I am half a step from changing my mind, and you," he said pointing to Daniel, "are not helping. As for you," he pointed to Jonas, "you are both not funny, and _absolutely banned _from turning evil and obscenely powerful."

Jonas raised an eyebrow. "What are you going to do if I do?"

"I'm… I'm…" Well, if it happened what could he do? "I'm going to cry."

--ooOoo--

Jake sat back against the rock wall of the cave, and took bite of an energy bar. After checking that the weapons were functioning… and loaded, he had positioned himself a little way inside the entrance giving himself a reasonable view of the surrounding area without risking his presence being noted. Now all he was doing was keeping an eye out and wait for the sun to go down.

Keep an eye out, wait for the sun to go down, and listen to the sound of two polite, over-educated, nerds slowly getting on each other's nerves.

He smirked. It was a shame he wasn't able to watch it live, but if you join the military you have to make sacrifices. And the open radio channel he had demanded when he left those two with their new toy was a pretty good substitute. He fiddled with the volume control to ensure it was as quiet as it could get while still allowing him to listen to the fun and games.

_"Daniel?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"These little intakes of breath you keep doing."_

_"What about them?"_

_"Well, far be it for me of all people to point this out, but they seem a little unnecessary, because you are, in fact… how shall I put it… dead."_

_"I'm being… Zen."_

_"Zen?"  
_

_"Yes, Zen." _There would have been eyebrow wriggle attached to those two words.

_"Ah, right. Okay…"_

That was, Jake checked his watch, about an hour and a half ago. The only way forward from there being a slow descent towards the inevitable.

_"Going by this translation… I think I might be misreading the entire wall." Audible sigh. "Okay then. Right, let's have another think about this shall we?"_

He wondered if the resulting explosion would be quite as massive as the ones between Jonas and Sam. When those two argued, entire floors were cleared by the first blast as the SGC's geeks ran for their lives. At least here he didn't need an IQ of 400 to understand what the problem was.

_"Daniel, can you _please _find another way to be Zen?"_

_"My Zen-ness is a result of the world around us. In it, the clarity of words is obvious."_

_"Yes, I find I see the words easier if people are not breathing over my shoulder."_

_"I'm ascended, Jonas. I don't breathe."_

_"Zenning over my shoulder, then."_

_"Very amusing. I'd laugh harder if I wasn't spending so much of my time being Zen."_

_"Well, I do apologise, Daniel. Unfortunately, my poor brain hasn't had a great time of the last couple of years. What with the uploading, and the downloading, and the uploading, and the downloading. Maybe you should consider lowering your Zen level to suit the mildly brain damaged. Better yet, why don't you just use words?"_

So far it had almost made being lost on a random planet, and getting shot at, worthwhile. He kind of wished Daniel had chosen to descend when Oma grabbed him by the ear that time for attempting to break the rules. He took another bite of the snack bar. He could imagine how much fun it would have been to watch those two opposing personalities trying to work together full time. He turned the volume up a tiny touch more.

"What?" came Jonas' voice over the radio.

Audible sigh. "If you burn the candle-"

"Not that candle then. How about this shiny, pointy, candle here?"

"Jonas, that attitude is not going to get us very far. Much as I'd like otherwise, I can only help you through my moral support."

They'd drive Sam insane, though. She'd probably end up volunteering to join the Tok'ra to get away from them both. He raised his binoculars to his eyes, and paused. It seemed today was a very good day to brush up on his Kelownan.

"What was that?"

"Nothing important. Okay, looking at this again, I'm thinking that moving the secondary control crystal here will unlock the-"

"Funny, part of it sounded like a variation of the Celtic for donkey."

Jake grinned. He had to admit, Daniel was a damn good translator. He wondered if ascension gave Daniel access to knowledge of the Kelownan language. He listened to a fake disinterested "Really?" from Jonas as he resumed scanning through the binoculars, and heard Jonas continuing his train of thought. "Uh… unlock the underlying power switch which runs the device's text display."

"But I can't marry up squirit with anything that I'm familiar with."

Jake bit his tongue, and tried to concentrate on the river in front of him. Apparently ascension didn't come with a Kelownan-English dictionary.

"That would, I believe, allow us to, essentially, change the page. As sort of suggested by the plaque. Which makes sense, because all that makes none what so ever at the moment."

"Or harb."_  
_

"Pardon?"

"Harb."

"Harb?"

He could picture Jonas' look of pure, confused, innocence. He'd seen it himself far too many times to fall for that trick. He supposed he could help Daniel by pointing out the word was not harb it was arba, and that it was Kelownan slang for, to put it in the words of the educated, backside. But then, he may as well translate the whole thing and save Daniel the effort.

_As much use as the backside of a diarrhoea stricken donkey.  
_

He smirked, his hands still on the binoculars. See, he had language skills and self-restraint. Never let it be said that you couldn't teach _this_ old dog new tricks. He swung his binoculars along the river.

"Oh fimus," he muttered. He pushed himself quickly away from the wall, and grabbed for his radio. "Jonas, pack it up. We're leaving now."

"_What?_"

He'd obviously missed a couple more lines of the conversation, because that didn't sound like the normal happy-go-lucky Jonas. It also didn't sound like Jonas was listening to the radio.

"Jonas!" He hissed. He wanted to shout, but he was sure the echo from the walls would give away their position faster than Jack O'Neill could avoid paperwork.

"This could be an major archaeological find, you have to appreciate the value of the artefact. It's up to you to treat the device with respect."

Oh Lord, Daniel's gone into lecture mode. And he was arguing respect with a social scientist. And Jonas wasn't the same quiet person he was when he arrived at Stargate Command. And there was no way a decent sized argument wouldn't alert the men with guns outside.

"_Daniel, Jonas, will you two just shut up?_"

He turned the last corner. Jonas stood in front of the alcove with a crystal in his hand, his combat vest and jacket lying beside his backpack. Daniel was standing beside him. It looked like they were squaring up to each before he had snapped at them over the radio. Now he wondered if nerd solidarity was an automatic response. He didn't have time to defend against the pent up frustration and anger about to be diverted his way. Jonas opened his mouth.

He reached for the vest, and threw it at Jonas. "I don't care. You can yell at me all you like later, but right now we are leaving."

"What?" said Daniel, "you can't leave! We haven't even started delving into the technology."

"Dr. Jackson, the 'I don't care' applies to you as well."

"Jake, we're on the verge of a breakthrough. We just need five more minutes."

"Get the power supply. We are leaving."

"No."

"Unless the white rabbit has another door out of here we have to go right now."

"This is a hugely important piece of technology. It could make all the difference in the up coming battle against the Ori," exclaimed Jonas.

"Do you know what it does?"

"Well… no… But that's the point, we can't just leave it here."

Not for the first time he wondered how the Jack he knew ever made it through seven years of SG-1.

"Pack it up. We are leaving. That is an order."

"I'm not military, and I'm not even on your team. I am not leaving without dealing with this first."

If only he could kick Daniel's backside for putting Jonas in this mood. He would have to try a different tack.

"Jonas, I know you love Lizzie as much as I love Beth. Please, we have to go right now."

He watched the confrontation in Jonas' face slowly disappear as the realisation of how seriously he should be taking Jake's words dawned.

"Grab my jacket and use it to wrap the crystals in."

Jake stared at the crystal Jonas held out to him. "You want to take it with?"

"You said pack it up, and, anyway, I have to take it apart to get at the power supply. So, two birds in a hand… or whatever."

"Right," he grabbed the crystal, and dropped it into Jonas' jacket. "Two birds in a hand." He started to pull at the remaining crystals.

"Whoa," said Daniel, "aren't you make a note of where everything goes? You can't just pull them out like that. There's bound to be an order to it. How are you going to remember?"

Jake glanced up at Jonas, who was unsheathing his knife from his combat vest, and raised an eyebrow at Daniel.

"Okay, right," said Daniel, "never mind. Stupid question, really. Just be careful with those, they're very fragile. The information contained in them could make the difference between -"

A loud crack stopped Daniel in his tracks. Jake peeked over the top of the alcove. Uh oh.

"Daniel," asked Jonas, "are you hyperventilating?"

"You… you… broke the stone."

"It's only text, and it's still in three… ish pieces."

"You broke the stone plaque. An artefact with an age counted in millennia. You… you wedged a knife under it and destroyed it."

Jonas pulled a 'whoops' face to Jake as he passed the broken pieces over. "Daniel, you might want to look away for the next thirty seconds."

"_Look away?_ No! Wait! What are you going to do?"

Jake stood up in time to see Jonas slam his knife into the small gap around the metallic device. He winced at the sound of metal scraping against metal, and somehow managed to resist the temptation to check what expression Daniel was showing. Not that he needed to. Going by the abnormal breathing pattern behind him it was not going to be a happy one.

"Daniel, remember, this is ancient technology which has lasted thousands of years. I'm sure it's tougher than it looks," said Jonas, a comforting smile on his face.

"_You're sure?_"

"Jake, pull it while I try and get some more leverage."

Jake stole a glance at Daniel as he grabbed hold of the device. It was a good thing Daniel was already dead, because he looked on the verge of a heart attack. The next crack, as the contraption came away from the stone recess, would probably have sent Daniel over the edge. The glowing text flickered for a second before extinguishing completely.

"I hope we haven't done any permanent damage," said Jonas, slightly too cheerfully.

Oh yes. It was definitely a good thing Daniel had ascended, and couldn't hit anything on this plane of existence.

"Is this it?" asked Jake, looking at Merlin's gadget in his hands. It was smaller than he had expected.

"Nearly," replied Jonas, fishing around the hole they had made. "Just need this." He pulled out the small power core, and placed it into a pocket of his vest. "Otherwise, we've just taken a major historical artefact apart for no reason. Daniel, are you feeling okay?"

"I don't think I want to speak to you ever again."

"Aw, I'm sure you'll change your mind," grinned Jonas, as he packed his backpack with the dismembered relic.

"I'm sure I won't."

"Which is good as far as I'm concerned," Jake interrupted. "Since we need less talk, and more action here. Dr. Jackson, is there another way out? No need for a parable just move your head."

Daniel shifted his head slightly from side to side.

"O-kay, how do you fancy continuing your education in trees?"

--ooOoo--

She couldn't believe she was actually hiding. It was a pathetic state of affairs for a Lieutenant Colonel in the USAF, and leader of the premiere team at the SGC. Come on, Janet, time to go home. You don't really want to stick a hypodermic full of sedative into a good friend just because she won't go home herself, do you?

She plotted a good excuse as she stared at the wall of Jack O'Neill's old, never-used, office. Or, to be correct since she was the team leader of SG-1, her never-used office. At least she wouldn't have to move any of her stuff when Cam took over. If he made it back with the rest of SG-5.

She wished those Jaffa meetings were shorter so she could check in with Teal'c.

She picked the melted wax off one of Teal'c's Kel-no-reem candles. Then hurriedly brushed the waxy pieces off an old leather bound book Jonas had left lying on the desk. She looked around the office. Really, it wasn't as if those two didn't lay claim to enough space at the SGC. Jonas might have lost his quarters, but he had a house now. She flicked the rotor blade of the toy helicopter. And he had an office, _and_ a lab. One of these days she would have to remember to ask Daniel how he managed to lay claim to two rooms in the first place.

At least Cam hadn't decided to join the rest of the boys in SG-1's new hidey-hole. She stopped and did a double take at the waste paper bin, and the mini-basketball net overhanging it. Apparently, he had.

She looked around the room again, feeling the presence of the rest of her team.

Damn. What was really a pathetic state of affairs was losing all three members of your team in your last few weeks of command.

She stood up. No excuses. She was here waiting for her team, and she wasn't going to sleep until she'd given at least one of them an earful. She stepped around the desk, and opened the door. Three steps into the corridor she was assailed by the echoing alarm of an incoming wormhole.


	8. Date of next meeting

_Date of next meeting. _

"Unscheduled off world activation."

She hauled herself up the control room steps two at a time as the gate technician finished his call. It was good news of sorts, because it meant they were getting some kind of signal through the gate. Now she was here she could offer to help them unscramble any messages. Or she could save the offer, and just push the technician out of the way.

Sam leaned against the console. "What have we got?" she asked of the airman in front of the monitor.

"Partial IDC, Colonel."

She glanced through the window into the gate room, watching the soldiers line themselves up ready for an invasion. The monitor flashed. Oh thank you, she thought.

"It's SG-1," confirmed the technician.

"Open the iris," she ordered.

Blue light flooded the control room. Another of those endless seconds ticked by.

"Come on, come on," she muttered quietly.

The event horizon rippled as the first uniformed man came flying through the stargate.

She forced herself to breathe. Two more followed in quick succession, before the final man appeared with the repeated shout of "Close it, close it!"

She pressed her hand onto the iris control. As the barrier shut she made eye contact with Cam. He shook his head and shrugged.

"Nothing to see except sand, sea, and annoyed natives," he shouted up to her.

She stared at the gently flashing stargate diagram. "Colonel?" questions the young sergeant.

Somehow she knew there was going to a painful world of needles in her near future. "Continue dialling. We have a list to get through."

--ooOoo--

He had to give credit to where credit was due. There was not helping, and there was _not_ helping. Daniel had carried out the latter with some style. The only unfortunate thing was that SG team colours didn't appear to be the 'in' thing in the land of the ascended. They had managed to make a break all the way to the stargate without too much incident, but it had taken no time at all for some of the smarter denizens to work out that one man in white did not equal two men in green and black.

Jake stopped firing to make a quick visual check of his last mag, and pushed the guard Jonas had zatted so he had more hiding space behind the column. He peeked over his defensive barrier. Where on 508 did all these people with guns come from? And why does everything mildly technical seem take an age to complete? He would not ask, though. That would break the Jonas' concentration, and he was getting fairly snappy about being shot at. Not surprising, seeing as every time he raised himself far enough to access the top panel a lead shot pinged off the DHD. Jake fired his weapon to drive back some of the more determined enemies. It would be, he concluded, politest if he didn't ask.

"I'd like to go home some time before our weapons run out." Okay. Frankly, he didn't join the marines for his Ps and Qs.

"That is not helping me," came a growled reply from the DHD.

Three men launched themselves out of their hiding places. He pulled the trigger and watched one of the men fall backwards, a second twist painfully to the side, while the third dived into the light vegetation. "If you don't hurry up, it won't matter."

"Tell you what, why don't _I_ do the shooting and _you_ fix the DHD?"

"Don't get prissy." His weapon gave a sad click as the mag ran out. "And pass me your spare mag."

"Hold on, I'm just in the middle of-"

Several natives, emboldened by the silence, suddenly appeared. Jake reached for his sidearm. He needed some more help. Where was a lightning bolt throwing ascended when you needed one? At the very least he needed something with more long distance accuracy. "_Jonas_." The whoosh of a wormhole caught his attention. "I love you," he finished.

"That wasn't me."

"_What?_" Jake looked over at Jonas, who now had his P90 aimed at the stargate. Oh, he _really_ didn't need this. Some Goa'uld making a tardy visit just as the homicidal locals decide to rush the gate. Any other time he'd be more than happy. Just not when he was sitting in the middle of it all. Jake fired his pistol towards the onrushing crowd.

"SG-5 niner come in, this is the SGC. Colonel Harper? Jonas? Do you read?"

Sometimes Sam could do to pick her timing better.

"Jake." He looked down as a P90 magazine landed beside him. He grabbed it, letting Jonas take over for a moment as he reloaded.

"This is the SGC. Colonel Harper, Jonas, do you read me?"

His hand paused at his radio when he heard Jonas' weapon splutter to a clicking halt. Jonas gave him an unhelpful shrug from his position beside the DHD. Great. Last decent mag, and what exactly was the reason why a wormhole only went one way? He repositioned himself over the fallen column, all he could do was keep the several from becoming the many. His radio crackled again. Sam, babe, I'm kind of busy here.

He heard Jonas ready his zat. "Sam, this is Jonas. It's great to hear your voice, but we're in a bit of a situation here."

"Jonas! My God, finally," came the genuinely relieved reply. "What sort of situation?"

A situation where the open wormhole hadn't dissuaded anyone from heading to the stargate. Jake let out a short burst of gunfire. A couple of zat blasts joined it. A situation which was not going well.

Pretty much the usual.

"I believe Colonel Harper would call it SNAFU." Jake tried not to laugh. Jonas Quinn, mind reader. "That sort of situation."

"Hold tight, we'll have a team ready to come through."

"No! No, just shut the gate down. I need to fix the power to the gate. If we don't come through within ten minutes then think about sending in the cavalry."

"Understood. SGC out."

Jake released his finger from the trigger after another short burst. People with guns were popping up everywhere. "_Ten minutes?_" he asked. "How are we going to last ten minutes?"

A pair of 9mm clips smacked him in the chest as the gate shut down.

--ooOoo--

A Lieutenant Colonel shouldn't pace, Sam reminded herself. Especially not one about to lead her last remaining member of SG-1, and three teams into an intense situation. She glanced up at the window of the control room.

"A couple more minutes, Carter."

A couple more minutes and they had better be here. She glared at the stargate. Or she would kill them.

She resisted the urge to check her watch. A minute was sixty endless seconds. Maybe there was something wrong with Earth's gate connection. She glanced up again at the control room to be met with a roll of the eyes.

The loud whine of a connection drew everyone's attention forwards. The gate room became bathed in watery blue light. About time.

Wait. How many teams were still off world? She racked her brain. They had all been ordered to go to the alpha site in event of difficulty, but still… Was it two, or three? And not forgetting Teal'c.

"SG-1's IDC." Definitely, not forgetting Teal'c.

The iris parted. A couple of bullets flying through the wormhole sent soldiers ducking for cover. Followed, at roughly the same speed, by two men firing back the other way.

"Close the iris!" she shouted.

The iris ground shut, and a familiar voice spoke over the loudspeakers. "Stand down."

She strode up to the end of the ramp as the rest started to filter away. The two men grinned at her, but she remained impassive. Jake and Jonas glanced at each other. She watched a silent discussion pass, before Jonas unhooked his backpack and stepped forward.

"We brought you a present," he offered cheerfully.

She sighed. There were too many possible witnesses. "Cam, good news," she said turning to her military team mate, "this is your future. Just remember that, statistically, one of these days it will be a nice easy mission." She paused, and gave Jonas and Jake a long look. "Good luck with it," she added, leaving the three men standing at the base of the ramp.

--ooOoo--

_Here ends the minutes of the twelfth meeting of The Unlikely Trouble Appreciation Society._

_Addendum to follow._


	9. Addendum

_Addendum _

He had, in his fairly short SG team career, become quite used to getting hit by a zat blast. So, it made a nice change to have been knocked out by an old-fashioned blow to the back of the head.

"I'm just saying; this was about as predictable as Louise getting pregnant."

Now, if the pixies in his head would stop hitting his brain cells with their tiny hammers he might actually consider moving.

"Again? She and Dave do know that Earth has a variety of birth control options."

"Says the man whose insatiable thirst for knowledge apparently didn't include that."

Or even opening his eyes.

"I am fully cognizant on a number of birth control methods, and their associated risk of failure… Unfortunately, the second part after the fact. What's that now? Five? Six?"

"God, could you imagine six miniature Dixons running around."

Cameron Mitchell cranked an eye open gently, then shut it again when the hammering intensified. Metal scraped against metal in the direction of the two voices.

"Anyway, I don't think the situation is that bad." He could almost hear Jonas' cheerful grin. "We haven't been called meat bags, yet."

"Let's not bring that experience up again. I believe being locked in a cell automatically moves the situation to bad. If that's not enough of a hint for you."

Cam forced his mind away from the conversation, and tried to focus on what happened before the world went dark. He remembered arriving through the gate with SG-1 and SG-5. He remembered Jonas doing the meet and greet with some guys the old SG-1 had met previously. He remembered getting bored while Jonas went to stare at some oversized shopping list. He remembered (and sympathised with) Kaufman falling into an alien rabbit hole. He remembered Colonel Harper sending Kaufman back to the SGC with Williams. He remembered being asked to come see some head honcho and going there with Sgt. Bradley. He remembered having Teal'c, and the newbie go do a defensive check of the area. He remembered an urgent radio message from Jonas to-

"He's not the safest person to be around if you can't get him to keep his mouth shut," muttered Colonel Harper.

"We all make mistakes, and these things can't be predicted. They just happen."

"_I_ predicted it. From the moment the idea was floated, I said, didn't I, Ben?"

"You sure did," replied Bradley.

"How's the head?"

"Still attached." _Ditto_, thought Cam .

"You know, I said-" _He's a shiny fly-boy who got lucky. _He definitely wasn't going to make it into Colonel Harper's good books any time soon.

"Hey," said Jonas, "I did suggest you go for it when Sam decided to move on."

Cam opened his eyes slightly. _Thanks for the vote of confidence, team-mate_, he thought.

"And you knew I was never going to ask for it. I still say they should've got Alex to lead SG-1."

"Throw in Nyan, and we'd be an all alien team."

"Sure why not? Okay, you get to keep Mitchell, but Alex has more than the skills, and the experience, needed to lead a frontline exploration unit." There was a pause, and Cam tried not to picture a team with Alex at the helm. He imagined he would be quite accurate in thinking it wouldn't be much fun since Alex hated his guts. Mind you, Alex seemed to hate everyone. "Also, the UST element would be hilarious." Except Jonas.

The scraping noise stopped. "UST? How do you even _know_ that term?"

"I'm down with the kids. I'm a hip dad. It's all rad, man."

"I see Dean is too well-mannered to inform you of how uncool, and excessively embarrassing you are."

Luckily, his own quiet laugh was smothered by the sound of a badly hidden snort from Sgt. Bradley.

"Are you agreeing with Mr. Quinn?"

"Permission to speak freely?" asked Bradley.

"No chance."

"Then no, sir. Colonel, sir!"

"I'm beginning to feel my authority is waning around here. You. Zip it."

"Yes, sir!" replied Jonas. The metallic scraping restarted. "It's RST now anyway."

"What?! Does Beth know?"

"She suggested it."

Oh God, Cam really didn't want to hear this. He should make some move to indicate he had returned to the land of the living.

Okay, not just yet. Not when the pixies had upgraded to pneumatic drills.

"This isn't going to be disgusting, or fun, is it?"

"Honestly? Much as I'd like to, I'm a bit too busy to lie to you right now." Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. "Anyway, what were we saying?"

"Cameron Mitchell, ies mifryn uven a squirit ef asal arba."

Now he didn't understand any of that after his name, but something told him it wasn't completely polite.

"That's not right."

Did he mention; thanks for sticking up for me, team-mate?

"It isn't?"

"No. There's a implied 'you are' in that sentence. When you are talking about someone else it should be 'haev e'." Scrape, click, scrape. "Or just 'e', but don't do that near any oldies otherwise you end up with a rant about the how Kelownan youth these days have no respect for the mother tongue. So it would be 'Shaft, e mifryn uven a squirit ef asal arba.'"

Yes. Thanks for nothing.

"Shaft, e mifryn uven a squirit ef asal arba?"

"Uh-huh."

Cam wondered if he could get Sam to kill them both when they got back. Sure, he'd have to find another nerd, but it wasn't as if the SGC was light on the old brains department. Jonas Quinn was as replaceable as any other member of SG-1.

Click. "You, Jonas Quinn, are a bona fide genius. Alien lock picking, backwards, and blindfold. _That_ is very cool." Damn. "Right, Ben give Mitchell a slap, and wake him up. Time to get the heck out of Dodge."

Yes, get up, get home, and go lie down somewhere quiet, and dark. Mark this one down as one of those days.

Something white enters his peripheral vision. "Guys, hi, erm… do you mind not leaving yet?"

Cam sat up. "No way! _Why?_"

It probably wasn't the best move - especially since it dislodged none of the crazed pixies - and certainly not with the way everyone, including Daniel Jackson, was looking at him now. Sure, he had just lost what little esteem he had around here, but that didn't matter as much as suddenly remembering what Sam said as they left this morning.

_"Thirteen, eh? Unlucky for some."_


End file.
